PopePiusX

A number of methods: 1: Two weeks before the season starts, I coat myself head to toe in linseed oil 2: One week before the season starts, I like stare at a Mitre Delta signed by Graham Hyde for four hours every day. If I blink I start again. 3: On the Monday before the season starts, I appoint a former top-division referee to follow me around everywhere to officiate my existence for 24 hours. Yellow card offences include covetous glances towards my neighbour's wife, my neighbour's oxen, and my neighbour's one's wives. Taking it any further than that is, quite rightly, a red card offences and I am not allowed inside. 4: On the Tuesday before the season starts I drink heavily with my family until one of them dies. 5: Wednesdays are, for the whole season, Whistlin' Wednesdays; I can only communicate through a tin whistle and am forbidden from joining The Dubliners. 6: On the Thursday before the season starts I've got Pilates 7: On the Friday before the season starts I break into Hillsborough and sit alone on the centre circle remembering our best kick-offs. I preferred the two-man system as it promoted an instant understanding between the frontmen. I am then arrested but released without charge on a technicality. 8: I spend the Saturday realising I'm a day out with my system because we're starting on a Sunday. The oil can be replenished at this stage if the sheen is becoming worn. 9: I go to watch the football and fingers crossed we win. If we don't I am sad and sometimes even annoyed.

To redress the balance I got a short back and sides in the club shop and it was sh*t

Have heard George Smith is available btw, he's Paul Smith's son and absolute sodding garbage

Dave Bennett, he said 'yo' and I thought he was the f*cking Fonz Terrible mistake really, they look very dissimilar.

It was offside in 1992, but it's not now. Or three hours ago.

He's going through concussion protocol at the moment, with the minor complication that it's impossible to tell.

*Xiscussions

It's modernisation people, ticketless tickets have priceless prices

Either you have very low expectations for the activities or that meal will be inedible.

Mark Bright and Michelle Gayle

He can't even finish Minesweeper on Beginner level or work the straw on a Capri-Sun, why would he be competent at running payroll?

Geoff's full name is Geoffield Wednesday, he knows his onions. (he's a greengrocer, albeit a limited one)

Great signing to upset hard-of-hearing Derby fans as well, magnificent long-term planning

Sunderland and Newcastle are further hampered that about 40% of their catchment area is the sea.

Wednesday 8 (Delgado 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 120+3) Southampton 1 (Le Tissier 90)